Ted Buckland Quotes
Kelso: Methinks it's quitting time. Goodnight, Gooch. Ted.
Ted: That's it? I've been your whipping for eight years and all I get before I disappear forever is a wet clammy handshake? And, yes, I know that's from my hand not yours. And, yes, I know we've never really been friends. And, yes, I know the Gooch is way too attractive for me. I know that's not relevant right now, but it's always on my mind. [to Gooch]: Please don't leave me for a baritone.
Gooch: I won't.
Kelso: Ted, I'm so hammered right now all I can think of is those thirty cent hot dogs at the gas station, so wrap it up.
Ted: You owe me more than a handshake.
Kelso: You have the voice of an angel.
Ted and Gooch: Aww, thank you.
Kelso: Not you, Ted.
Kelso: If I were ten years younger, and you were tens year younger.
Ted: It's too late, sir, I already tapped it.
Ted: The Gooch and I are gonna take some time off and tour the country.
Gooch: We've written a song for every state.
Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to hell.
Ted: This salad taste like sun screen
Janitor: That's because you put sun screen on it
Ted [tastes face]: Ahh! I put ranch on my face!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I heard about your mishap earlier today, but here's the skinny: If that patient finds out what happened because you can't reign in your yapper, then heads are going to roll. And I promise you yours and Ted's will be the first to go!
Ted: What did I do?
Turk: Consider my lips sewn shut, sir. Which, in this hospital, could actually happen!
J.D.: What's this?
Ted: If you should develop any symptoms that suggest you may have contracted Hepatitis B, this form simply states the hospital is not responsible.
J.D.: Thanks. That's, uh, that's comforting
Gooch and I are going to hold off on the babies. We've only known each other a week. Plus, with all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm
I'm not what you call a winner... sure I'm a lawyer but that's only becaus I took the bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws and most of them are when you can and cannot kill... seals.
J.D.: We found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples...
Ted: Why should they be happy!?
Carla: So do you think you can help me locate one of his family members?
Ted: I guess I could try to locate one through some legal channels, but I'm really swamped.
Carla: You know, I love your worry lines. They're so adorable, they're like sexy little forehead smiles.
Ted: Careful, I've been hurt before
Carla: Bambi, I warned you about getting caught up in Dr. Cox's wake. But does he listen?
Laverne: You'd think so, with those ears.
J.D.: Uncalled for, okay? Listen, it's different this time. He showed up
at my place.
Carla: He's showed up at my house before.
Laverne: Showed up at my momma's on Mother's Day.
Ted: Ruined my wedding
Dr. Kelso: Ted. I need you to take care of some lawyer crap for me, and it would be a great help if you would go to traffic court for me and make this go away.
Ted: I...don't think so.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Ted: No, Bob. I have my own things I need to take care of.
Dr. Kelso: Of course. Of course...
Ted: Walk off, bitch.
Dr. Cox: How is it, exactly, that you just said that and your pants are still dry?
Ted: Don't you understand what you did when you spoke to those interns? You took away the fear. You...are a wonderful person. And...I love you
