Desperate Housewives Season 3 Episode 2: "It Takes Two" Quotes
(Edie is about to give Austin a can of beer)
Edie: Oh, wait. You're 18, right?
Austin: Well, that's what my ID says.
Edie: Yeah. Mine too.
Have you met the perfect couple? The two soulmates, whose love never dies? The two lovers, whose relationship is never threatened? The husband and wife, who trust each other completely? If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you. They stand atop a layer of butter-cream frosting. The secret of their success? Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other.
Mary Alice
(Susan and Ian go out to dinner, but run into Ian's in-laws, Susan is put in an awkward position of explaining their daughter's condition because Ian referred to her as 'Dr Susan Mayer')
Ian: Uh, let's give Dr. Mayer the night off, she was in surgery for 10 hours today performing a Craniotomy.
Rene: That's exactly the proceedure Jane had, how'd it go?
Susan: Uh.., well... I...it..just...wow! I hear my, my phone vibrating! (into phone) um, hello? uh, Dr Mayer. Yea-what? you say that his brain, shut off? Oh, I'll be, right there, um, Stat! (to everyone else) I'm sorry, duty calls.
(Susan then grabs a glass of wine on her way out and skulls the contents as she goes)
(Carlos and Gabby are at the Divorce Mediators, having an argument over whom parts with what)
Gabrielle: (slaps Carlos' hand) Stop eating my fries!
Carlos: I'm hungry.
Gabrielle: You know what? The doctor said, (to the mediator) You should see his cholesterol, this man bleeds bacon grease.
Mediator: Enough! You two are going to have to find a way to deal with each other, because you are about to bring a child into this world and divorced or not? Once that child arrives, you will be bound together for as long as you live.
Gabrielle: Well in that case, (to Carlos) have some more fries.
(In the bride's room, after Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle shared their concerns - regarding Orson - with Bree)
Bree: He did not hack her up and dissolve the pieces in acid!
Gabrielle: I said it was a theory.
Lynette: The point is, Alma disappeared under very suspicious circumstances.
Bree: I don't have time for this. I'm getting married now.
Susan: This is your day. You can push the ceremony back an hour. Now get that detective on the phone, talk things out with Orson.
Bree: I can't talk to Orson. It's bad luck for the groom to see
the bride before the wedding.
Lynette: You know what's really bad luck? Marrying a wife-killer.
(to dead body) "Tu me manques, Monique" ("I Miss You Monique").
Orson
You screw up our lives and the only thing you can say is "that's the way the cookie crumbles"?
Gabrielle
Carlos: Hey, are there any decent, single women at this wedding?
Waiter: Not that I have seen it.
Lynette: Hey, Carlos. You should come over to our table, that's where all the hotties are.
Nora: I don't know what idiot stuck me at that table but every guy over there is a boring stiff!
Lynette: All of them? What about Jerry? Jerry's fun!
Nora: You mean Mr Fatty-Hair Plug? Oh yeah, he's a blast!
Lynette: How about Steve? You know what, I hear his family has money!
Nora: Well maybe they could all chip in and buy him some deodorant! I'm through with those losers, I'm gonna stay right here with you!
Gabrielle: Hey, you are supposed to be on bed rest!
Xiao-Mei: I'm bored!
Gabrielle: Well, why don't you try putting on a pair of pants? That should kill a couple of hours.
(Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are discussing if Bree is making the worst mistake of her life by marrying Orson. Bree enters the room...)
Bree: And what mistake would that be?
Mary-Alice: Yes, a bridesmaid can question many of the brides choices...
Susan: These dresses are hideous.
Mary Alice: ... but the groom is not one of them.
