How do you call the cops? Do you just Google cops?

Ben

And your mommy will protect you for the rest of her life.

Donna

Charles: Maybe we'll open a cold case.
Sazz: I got a cold case for ya!

Oliver: Howard, Jonathan has got to go on. Who's going to replace our leading man on five minutes notice?
Howard: I don't know. But we will need someone who knows his every line, someone who's studied his every gesture, his every intonation. Someone who never sought the spotlight but is willing to accept the weight of the detective's hat.

Donna: It's a thing we do.
Mabel: It's so sweet. I'm gonna leave before it gets any sweeter.

Oliver: [snorts]
Loretta: What? Did I do good?

C-Can we just take a beat to appreciate how magical this is? The three of us, reunited at last, investigating as one?

Oliver

No, I just need to read two words. Two words I'll never forget. "Didn't sing." This is Maxine's review of my original show, but it was never published.

Oliver

Loretta was right. You're a fucking pig. You're a fucking pig! You're a fucking pig. You... are... a fucking... pig! Pig! [panting] Pig! [oinking] You're a fucking pig! [oinking] [squealing] [snorts] Fucking pig!

Ben

Charles: Williams questioned everyone who crossed paths with Ben that night, and we can use those interrogations to make a timeline of that 30 minutes!
Oliver: Ah! I knew you were due for a good idea since your last one six months ago.

Doctor: Congratulations. It's a podcast.
Charles: Wah! [sucking]
Oliver: Mama!
Charles: Wah! Wah!
Oliver: Mabel... Mabel. Mabel! Mabel!
Charles: Wah!

  • Permalink: Wah!
  • Added:

Loretta: Who goes there?
Detective Williams: NYPD, motherfuckers! The stalker, he didn't do it. He's creepy as fuck, but he didn't do it. The killer is someone in this room.

Only Murders In the Building Season 3 Quotes

Howard: We thank you for your attention. Brief anecdote. I remember when I auditioned for Mr. Oliver Putnam for this very play.
Oliver: True.
Howard: Do you remember what you said to me, Oliver?
Oliver: I sure do, I said. How about you be my assistant instead?
Howard: That's right. Word for word.

Charles: I know you're nervous. I know your last Broadway show was a disaster. Everyone knows that. The world knows it.
Mabel: Fast forward, fast forward.
Charles: But you, sir, are a talented young man. You have a gift for leadership. And when you ask me to join this production.
Oliver: Hold, please. I asked you?