The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Season 5 Episode 7: "Acting Dean" Quotes
Todd: Something, something Fillory, a most amazing land, but fucked by catastrophe, and way before we planned. La la blah blah Fillory, a land without a god. Needs a brand new hero, a strapping land named …
Julia: Todd, please stop. OK, I just want to get this straight: So pig man gave you the quest in the form of a song?
Todd: Yeah. I might have changed some of lines, but that’s the gist. There’s also like three more verses, and the key change is tricky.
Julia: Or you could just write it down.
Todd: Oh, I did. The parts I could remember anyway on a couple of napkins, and then on the back of my hand. But don’t worry, I transferred that to another napkin. But short version: Fillory is in real trouble. He said death is coming for everyone, and then he rhymed that with smeveryone. Anyway, could you please help me?
Julia: I’m not going to help you; I’m going to take over entirely for you.
Todd: Oh thank god because I am dangerously underqualified for this.
Julia: I know.
Margo: Yeah, no shit Fillory’s in trouble. Goes by the name of the Dark King.
Eliot: Or whoever’s ordering dark shit on his behalf. We’re still investigating.
Margo: Which we were kinda in the middle of until you dragged us here ‘cuz you were sure bacon mcswine flu was talking about the harmonic convergence.
Julia: Oops. We accidentally stopped billions of people from dying. I’m sorry.
Margo: Where the hell could Fen have gone?
Eliot: I know right. I gave her one, two, well several jobs, but the headline was, ‘Stay put and find the creep with the hard on for hunting fairies.’ OK, was he afraid of you?
Margo: Yep. They all think it’s my time of the month.
Eliot: Woman or wolf?
Margo: Who cares? Either way, I got them scared they’ll end up bleeding too, so I’m off the hook for a few weeks. Perk of marching with a bunch of scrots who have no clue how lady parts work.
Student: I have a problem, a very big problem. Someone stole my pencil case.
Penny: Full of drugs?
Student: Pencils, special pencils.
Penny: And you thought, ‘Hey, this is a problem I should bring to the dean.’
Student: I think that there’s a conspiracy afoot, a league of mischief makers with a taste for high-end graphite.
A traveler professor who cannot travel is now the acting dean. Students are blowing themselves up, and I presume you are the aforementioned assholes who moved the moon.
Fogg 17
Margo: OK, what does she think I did?
Fen: Well, very few fairies who knew you are still alive today, and the rest just know the story of High King Margo, which over the centuries shifted with each retelling.
Margo: So I’m being boned by a giant game of telephone?
Fen: No, no, no, no phone games are fun. This, not so much. See, you say, ‘You made peace.’ They say, ‘You destroyed their realm and allowed fairy hunts for sport.’ It’s a real potato, potato.
Margo: No it’s potato, po-massive fucking lie.
Hamish: Ah, that’s not right.
Alice: I know what I’m doing if you don’t mind.
Hamish: It’s a mistake for sure.
Alice: I’m correcting spells for the new circumstances. It’s math; I don’t make mistakes at math.
Hamish: No, I mean that is a spell for cooking without a fire, but, for real, that’s going to be a pretty terrible steak. You need flames to denature the proteins.
Margo: Look, I really thought I was doing the right thing.
Ronan: By robbing us of our homeland?
Margo: By giving you a place where you and your weird mushroom eggs could survive.
Ronan: You promised sanctuary and left us vulnerable when your people persecuted us because we had no way to defend ourselves. You abandoned us.
Fen: And you can understand how that would make the fairies feel, can’t you Margo?
Margo: OK, yeah, of course, I’m sorry you went through that, but it was after my reign ended.
Ronan: You really think that justifies the harm you set into motion?
Margo: Jesus. You step out for 300 goddamn years and a bunch of Gossip Girls turn your whole life into the Nuremberg trials.
Fen: Margo.
Margo: Look, this diplomatic milk bath is all very kabuki, but let me tell you what my dad always said: You can’t fix stupid. Skipping past the fact he always said it to me, I’ll add, ‘I’m not the problem here, and if you don’t work with me to bring down the Dark King, you’re Olympic gold medal stupid.
Julia: So other Todd tied you up and locked you in a closet?
Todd: Yeah, but I’ve never been great with knots, so it was pretty easy for me to escape. Only question is why would evil twin me want to get rid of me in the first place? Of course, evil.
Penny: He wasn’t your twin. I think he was from another timeline.
Todd: Wait, for realsies?
Penny: It adds up – the two Todds plus cinnabar, which last time I saw was being used for time magic.
Todd: I always wanted to meet someone from another timeline.
Julia: Wait a minute guys. What if Dean Fogg isn’t our Fogg?
Todd: Describe him. I transcribed his memoir; I know all 40 Foggs, even got nicknames for some of them: Fedora Fogg, Cocaine Fogg, Swinger Fogg. Actually, those last two are the same Fogg.
Julia: Uh well, this one’s a heavy drinker.
Todd: Yeah, no, that doesn’t really narrow it down.
Penny: OK, he has burns on his hands. He calls you – other you – Eliot. He has …
Todd: Oh, poop.
Penny: What?
Todd: I call that one Psycho Fogg. See in timeline 17, Brakebills kinda blew up, killed almost everybody, and those burns on Fogg’s hands, they’re kinda ‘cuz he’s the one who did it.
Penny: What are you going to do with it?
Fogg 17: I’m going to fix things.
Penny: I’ve seen that thing before. That’s the device Stoppard built to travel between timelines.
Fogg 17: Yes, I took it from him to get here, then made a few modifications, enough to take all of Brakebills back home with me.
Penny: Whoa, listen, hey, I get it. My timeline was a mess also, but you have a Brakebills here with no Fogg. Why don’t you just stay?
Fogg 17: Penny, sure, when things start to go wrong, just fuck off to the next timeline. How very appropriate.
Julia: But didn’t you destroy your Brakebills and everyone died?
Fogg 17: Yes, a measure I took to try to contain the damage the Beast could do, and when that failed, Jane Chatwin got to go to the next time loop, while I had to stay behind and live with the goddamn consequences.
Julia: Your timeline continued even though Jane reset it?
Fogg 17: Yes, dear. Were you dropped on your head in this timeline? You should be well familiar with the multiverse hypothesis. As it turns out, one of the goddamn consequences, is I discovered I have a grown daughter, currently living in my post-apocalyptic shit show of a timeline with hardly any living magicians and no resources. I need this Brakebills and everyone in it to fix where I came from.
Penny: You cannot uproot everyone in this timeline just to be a good dad, OK.
Fogg 17: Watch me. Fucking father of the year.
Charlton: Bick didn’t make Seb dark. He is dark.
Eliot: I like him, OK. Maybe I like him because I hope he’s not fucked up; maybe I like him because I hope he is, because I am too. Maybe all I deserve is fucked up.
Charlton: No, when you think that way, it’s all you’ll ever get.
Eliot: Why do you care so much?
Charlton: What? I don’t, but what happens to you, happens to me, and I don’t want him happening to me. I know I deserve better.
Eliot: Wild guess: Your mother and your father both loved you unconditionally.
Charlton: How did you know?
Eliot: How could I not?
Penny: Still going to Fillory?
Julia: Somebody’s gotta stop the apocalypse.
Penny: And it’s got to be you.
Julia: Penny …
Penny: Just … in my timeline, I let you go on a quest to Fillory without me, and you never came back.
Julia: I’m not that Julia.
Penny: I know. I didn’t just come here and swap Julias. You’re totally different, Christ, you have no idea. The only thing you for sure have in common is I couldn’t stop her when she set her mind to something either.
Julia: I have to do this Penny.
Penny: I know. I just can’t go through that again.
Julia: Then, so here we are.
Penny: Here we are. Be safe, Julia.
